Wedding plus-one etiquette: who gets one and how to say no

Plus-ones cause more quiet resentment than any other part of a guest list, mostly because the rules are unspoken and everyone assumes theirs are universal. They are not. Here are the ones most UK couples settle on, how to word the invitation so nobody has to guess, and what to say when someone asks for a guest you have not offered.

The modern rules, in order of strength

1. Married, engaged and cohabiting partners are always invited together. This is the one firm rule. Inviting half of a couple who live together is not a plus-one question; it is a snub.
2. Long-term partners you know should be invited by name. If you have met them more than once, they are a guest, not a plus-one. Put their name on the invitation.
3. Partners you have not met are your call. Many couples invite them if the relationship is established (a year is a common line); many do not. Either is fine as long as you are consistent.
4. Guests who will not know anyone else get a plus-one if you can afford it. A colleague or an old school friend who would otherwise sit alone is the classic case.
5. Single guests who will know plenty of people do not automatically get one. They will be fine, and most of them know it.
6. The wedding party gets a plus-one if anyone does. Bridesmaids and groomsmen have given up a lot of weekends for you.

The underlying principle: a plus-one is for the guest's comfort, not for symmetry. "Everyone single gets one" is generous but expensive; "nobody gets one unless we have met them" is defensible and common.

Decide the rule before the list

Write the rule down in one sentence before you start the guest list, then apply it to everyone. The arguments start when the rule bends for one cousin and not another. If you have to make an exception, make sure you could explain it to the person it is not being made for.

Word the invitation so there is no doubt

Most plus-one trouble comes from vague invitations. Three habits fix it.

Name every invited person. "Priya and Tom" means Priya and Tom. "Priya and guest" means Priya may bring someone. "The Patel family" means a row at the RSVP. If children are invited, name them too, or say "and family" only when you really mean every member.

Say how many seats you have reserved. On the RSVP, a line like "We have reserved two seats in your honour" closes the question without anyone having to say no.

Use personalised reply links if you can. When each household's link already lists the invited names and the reply form only asks about those names, the question does not arise. Our guide to collecting RSVPs online covers how that works.

How to say "no plus-ones" on the invitation

You usually do not need a sentence at all; the names do the work. When you want to be explicit, keep it short and put it in the FAQ or the RSVP, not on the invitation itself.

We have invited the people named on your invitation. We are sorry we cannot extend it further.

Due to the size of the venue we are only able to invite the guests named on your invitation. Thank you for understanding.

We'd love to invite everyone's partners but can't quite fit everybody in. The names on your invitation are the ones we have room for.

Avoid long apologies and avoid "no plus-ones" as a bare headline; both read colder than the thing you are trying to say.

How to offer one

When you are giving a plus-one, make the offer specific so you can seat people and feed them.

You are welcome to bring a guest. Please tell us their name on the reply form so we can seat you together.

Our RSVP wording guide has the versions for cards and for online forms.

When a guest asks for a plus-one you have not offered

It will happen. Someone replies "can I bring Jake?" The answer should be quick, kind and the same for everyone.

If the answer is no

We'd love to say yes, but we're completely full and have had to keep it to the names on the invitations. Sorry to be a pain; we really hope you can still come.

If the answer is no, and it is a new relationship

We're so pleased for you! We set the list before you two met and we're right at the venue's limit, so sadly we can't add anyone. We'd love to meet Jake soon though.

If the answer is yes

Of course. Add Jake's name on your reply so we can seat you together.

Reply within a day. The longer it sits, the more it looks like a judgement rather than a numbers problem.

When a guest adds someone on the RSVP without asking

On a paper card this means a name written in; on a badly set-up online form it means a third reply. Either way, respond the same day, warmly, and refer to the invitation:

Thanks so much for replying! Just so you know, we've only been able to reserve two seats for you, so we won't be able to fit Jake in on this occasion. Sorry about that; can't wait to see you both.

The best fix is to prevent it: a reply form that only shows the invited names, with the number of seats fixed by you, cannot take an extra guest. If you are offering room for one more, the form can leave space for one name and no more.

Children count as plus-ones

Many couples treat children as a plus-one problem in disguise. The same rules apply: name them if they are invited, say "adults only" once and kindly if they are not, and set the seats per household so the form cannot take extras. Our wedding website checklist covers where to put the line about children.

A short summary

• Couples who live together are always invited together.
• Name everyone who is invited, including children.
• Decide one rule for everyone else and write it down before the list.
• State the number of seats on the RSVP.
• Answer plus-one requests within a day, kindly, with the same answer for everyone.
• Use a reply form that only takes the invited names.

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RSVP Websites gives each household a link with the invited names already on it and a maximum number of guests you set. Leave room for one more and a guest can add their partner's name; set it to exactly the names invited and nobody can add anyone, which means the plus-one conversation never has to happen on the day.