Bengali wedding rituals explained: holud, biye, bou bhaat

A Bengali wedding has three days at its heart, the gaye holud, the biye and the bou bhaat, and the rituals around them differ between Muslim and Hindu families while the shape stays the same: the bride's family gives the wedding, the groom's family gives the reception, and everybody wears yellow for the turmeric. Here is the programme in order, for both communities, as it is done in Britain, so that a guest knows what each day is and a couple can plan the week.

The shape of it

Before the wedding

Paka dekha and ashirbad

The formal agreement between the families (paka dekha, "seeing it fixed") and the ashirbad, the blessing, where each family visits the other and blesses the bride or groom with rice, grass and gifts of gold. Hindu families hold these; Muslim families often have an engagement (engagement is the word used, or paan chini, the sweets and betel exchange) in the same spirit. Family only.

Aiburobhat

The bride's and the groom's last meal as an unmarried person, in the Hindu tradition: a feast cooked by the mother and the aunts, with every fish dish the family can manage, eaten at home the day before the holud with close family. Relatives come bearing more food. The one function nobody skips.

Mehndi and dua

Muslim families often hold a mehndi for the bride, now sometimes folded into the gaye holud, and a dua or milad at home for the family in the days before. Some hold the akd (the nikah) at home or at the mosque before the wedding week; see the nikah section below.

Gaye holud

The turmeric ceremony, the same in both communities and the function everyone knows. Turmeric paste is applied to the bride's face and arms by the married women of the family, then by everyone; sweets are fed to her; songs are sung; there is a great deal of yellow. Traditionally the groom's side holds his holud first, then carries the turmeric and a tattwa (trays of gifts: saris, sweets, a decorated fish) to the bride's holud. In Britain it is now usually one joint event at a hall for both families, often the biggest and happiest of the three days.

Who: family and friends; everyone, if at a hall. Dress: yellow, with red; cotton saris and panjabis that can be washed. Fish, sweets and a full dinner. Wording in Bengali wedding invitation wording.

The biye (the wedding)

The bride's family hosts, at a hall. The groom arrives with his party (the bor jatri) and is received at the gate, where the bride's cousins hold the gate and bargain for an entry fee before he is let in; this is the gate dhora and it is the loudest part of the evening.

Muslim families

If the akd (the nikah) has not been done earlier, it is done now: the imam, the witnesses, the ijab-o-qubool, the mehr, the signing, the dua, with the bride and groom often in separate rooms or on the stage. Ten to twenty minutes. Then the couple sit together on the stage, there is the dudh-sharbat (the bride's sisters bring the groom a sweet milk drink and name their price), photographs with every family group, and dinner, with biryani, korma, roast and fish, at nine or later. Then the bidaay, the bride's farewell, when she leaves with the groom's family and her side weeps.

Hindu families

The rituals are longer and set to an auspicious time (the lagna). The groom is received with the boron, the bride's mother welcoming him with a lamp, conch and rice. The bride is carried in on a piri (a low stool) by her brothers, seven times around the groom (saat paak), her face hidden by betel leaves until the shubho drishti, the first look, when the leaves come down. The mala badal, the exchange of garlands, three times each, with the brothers lifting the bride out of reach. The sampradan, the bride's father or uncle giving her hand, with the gathbandhan, the knot tying the couple's cloths. The saat pak around the fire, the anjali of puffed rice into the fire, and the sindoor daan, the groom putting vermilion in the bride's parting, which makes her married. Two to three hours in all; guests eat, the family sits through it. The bashi biye rituals continue at the groom's home the next morning.

Who: everyone on the bride's family's list. Dress: traditional; red and gold on the ladies' side are always welcome; the bride is in red Benarasi. Dinner late. In Britain, five hours or more.

Bou bhaat (the reception)

The groom's family's reception, the day after or within days, and the day the bride cooks, or at least serves, rice to her new family for the first time (bou bhaat means "the bride's rice"). Hindu families do this literally at home in the morning (the groom's elders eat from the bride's hand and promise to provide for her); the evening is the reception at a hall for everyone. Muslim families call it the bou bhaat or the walima, often both, and it is the groom's family's list, which is frequently the longest.

Who: the groom's family's list. Dress: formal; the bride often in a colour other than red; the groom's side in their best. Dinner, photographs, the couple on the stage. Wording in walima invitation wording and the Bengali guide.

After

The phool shojja (the flower bed) on the first night at the groom's home, and the firani or dwiragaman, the bride's first return to her parents' house, are family rituals in the days after.

For guests, the four questions

• Which days am I invited to? The card or the link says. The holud is often everyone; the biye is the bride's family's list; the bou bhaat is the groom's. Family gets all three.
• What do I wear? Yellow for the holud. Traditional for the biye, with red and gold always right. Formal for the bou bhaat. A sari or a panjabi at any of them, or a dress or a suit.
• What do I bring? An envelope of cash or a gift, given on the stage or sent to the house. Sweets if you are visiting the home.
• How long is it? The holud, an afternoon into the evening. The biye, five hours, with the rituals taking two or three of them. Dinner is late.

For the couple, the one list

Three days, two hosting families, two overlapping lists, a hall that needs numbers for each. Run it from one guest list tagged by day, with a personalised link per household that says at the top which days they are expected and a reply form that asks which they are coming to. The Bengali wedding invitation page comes with the gaye holud, biye and bou bhaat as cards and the question ready to add; inviting guests to several functions online walks through the tags.