Indian wedding functions explained, roka to reception

An Indian wedding is a programme, not a day. Between the roka and the reception there can be six or seven functions over a week, each with its own host, guest list and dress code, and guests who are new to it (and plenty who are not) want to know what each one is, whether they are expected, and what to wear. Here is the programme in order for Hindu weddings, with the Sikh and Gujarati differences, as it is done in Britain.

Before the wedding week

Roka and sagai (engagement)

The roka is the first formal meeting of the two families, where the match is agreed and sweets and gifts exchanged. It is small, at home, and often months before the wedding. The sagai or ring ceremony is the engagement proper, now often a party of its own at a restaurant or hall, with the ring exchange, dinner and a cake. Guests: family and close friends. Dress: smart, Indian or Western. The couple's own engagement party often doubles as it; see engagement party invitations.

Ganesh puja and Ganesh sthapana

A puja to Ganesh, the remover of obstacles, at the bride's home and the groom's home, usually a day or two before the wedding, so that everything that follows goes smoothly. Gujarati families call the installation of the idol the Ganesh sthapana and hold it with the mandvo (the raising of the mandap) and the pithi (the haldi). Family only.

The wedding week

Mehndi

Henna for the bride, and for any guest who wants it. Traditionally at the bride's home with the ladies of both families, now often at a hall for everyone, and often combined with the sangeet. Singing, a dholki, dinner. Two to four days before the wedding. Dress: greens, yellows, oranges, anything bright. The bride's mehndi takes hours, so the function runs long; guests come and go. Wording in sangeet, haldi and mehndi invitation wording.

Sangeet

The music night: both families perform (there are rehearsals), there is a DJ or a band, a dance floor and dinner. Usually the evening before the wedding, or two evenings before if the haldi is the day before. Open to the whole wedding list. Dress: festive, something to dance in. In Gujarati families this is the garba night, with dandiya and the circle dances, and the dress is chaniya choli and kediyu.

Haldi

A paste of turmeric, sandalwood and rosewater applied to the bride's face, arms and feet by married women of the family, and the same for the groom at his home. It blesses, it is said to brighten the skin, and it is messy. The morning of the wedding or the day before. Close family only. Dress: yellow, and nothing you mind staining. Breakfast or lunch follows. Gujarati families call it the pithi; Punjabi families the vatna or maiyan, often with the chooda ceremony the same morning, when the bride's maternal uncle puts the red and white bangles on her wrists.

The wedding day

Baraat. The groom arrives in procession, on a horse, in a vintage car or on foot, with his family dancing to a dhol. In Britain it is often from the car park to the door. The bride's family receive him at the entrance.

Milni. The two families meet formally at the door: the fathers, then the uncles and brothers in pairs, with garlands and an embrace. Punjabi and Gujarati families do this with gusto.

Jaimala or varmala. The couple exchange flower garlands. The groom's friends lift him so the bride cannot reach; her cousins lift her.

The ceremony in the mandap. The pandit conducts the rites under the mandap, with the sacred fire. The main ones are the kanyadaan (the bride's father gives her hand), the hasta melap (the hands are joined and tied), the mangal pheras (the couple circle the fire, four times in most North Indian traditions, seven in others; the saptapadi is the seven steps with seven vows), the sindoor (the groom marks the bride's parting with vermilion) and the mangalsutra (the necklace). An hour and a half to three hours, often with a set muhurat (auspicious time) for the pheras. Guests come and go; the front rows are family.

Lunch or dinner. Served through or after the ceremony. Usually vegetarian.

Vidaai. The bride leaves with the groom's family, throwing rice over her shoulder. Tears are expected.

Reception

The groom's family's party, the same evening or the next day. Dinner, dancing, speeches, a cake. The whole list, and often the groom's side's wider list. Dress: formal, Indian or Western. The bride often changes into a second outfit, frequently a lehenga in a colour other than red.

After

The griha pravesh, the bride's welcome into the groom's home (she kicks over a pot of rice at the threshold), and the pag phera, her first visit back to her parents, are family rituals in the days after. Guests are not involved, but they explain why the couple are busy for a week.

The Sikh wedding

A Sikh wedding has the same week around it (mehndi, sangeet, vatna, chooda, the reception) with the ceremony itself different.

The Anand Karaj takes place at the gurdwara in the morning. The milni is at the door, then langar tea, then the ceremony in the darbar hall: the couple sit before the Guru Granth Sahib, the ardaas is said, and the laavan, four hymns, are read and sung while the couple walk around the Guru Granth Sahib four times, the bride holding the end of the groom's palla. Then the ardaas, the hukamnama and the Guru Ka Langar, the meal in the langar hall. Everyone covers their head and removes their shoes; no alcohol, no meat on the premises. About an hour and a half, and gurdwaras keep to time. The reception is the same evening, elsewhere, and is where the party is. Wording in Sikh wedding invitation wording.

The Gujarati wedding

The programme is the same with its own names: Ganesh sthapana and mandvo (installing Ganesh and raising the mandap at home), pithi (the haldi), garba (the dance night, with dandiya), then the wedding with the jaan (the baraat), the ponkhvu (the bride's mother greets the groom at the door and tweaks his nose), the hasta melap, the mangal pheras (four), and the reception. The card is a kankotri.

A typical British timetable

For guests, the four questions

• Am I invited to all of it? The invitation says. The mehndi and haldi are usually family; the sangeet, the wedding and the reception are usually everyone.
• What do I wear? Bright for the mehndi, danceable for the sangeet, yellow for the haldi, traditional and not white or black for the ceremony, formal for the reception. Guests often wear Indian clothes to every function and nobody minds a suit or a dress.
• What do I bring? Cash or a voucher in an envelope, given at the reception, is the norm. "No boxed gifts" means exactly that. Many cards say "Your blessings are the only gift we seek"; a card and a small envelope is still welcome.
• How long will it take? The ceremony, two to three hours; guests are not expected to sit through all of it. The reception, until the DJ stops.

For the couple, the one list

Run the week from one guest list tagged by function, with a personalised link per household that says which functions they are invited to, and a reply form that asks which they are coming to. The mehndi caterer, the sangeet venue and the reception hall each get their own number from the same spreadsheet. The Indian wedding invitation page comes with the five functions as cards and the question already in place; the guide to inviting guests to several functions online walks through the tags.