Pakistani wedding events explained, dholki to walima

A Pakistani wedding in Britain runs across a week, sometimes two, and a guest who is new to it will be invited to some of it and not the rest, told to wear yellow one night and not red the next, and will eat dinner at ten. Here is each event in the order it happens, who hosts it, who is invited, what to wear and how long it runs, so that nobody has to ask the family group chat.

How many events are there?

Five, in the full form: dholki, mayun, mehndi, baraat and walima. The nikah, the marriage contract itself, is usually part of the baraat day, sometimes a separate earlier event. Many families now trim it to three (mehndi, baraat, walima) and some add a rasm-e-hina separate from the mehndi or several dholkis. The invitation tells you which you are invited to; most guests get the baraat and the walima, family gets everything.

Dholki

Song evenings at the bride's home (and sometimes the groom's), one or several, in the weeks before the wedding. The women of the family sit around a dholki (a small two-sided drum) and sing the wedding songs, with mithai and tea. Informal, ladies, come as you are, no card needed: a message does it. In Britain the dholkis are where the mehndi dances get rehearsed.

Mayun

The bride's seclusion begins. A small ceremony at home, a few days before the wedding, where close female relatives apply ubtan (a turmeric and gram-flour paste) and she is kept at home, in yellow, resting and being fed, until the mehndi. Family only. Dress: yellow. In some families the mayun and the mehndi are the same evening.

Mehndi

The big pre-wedding night, and the most fun. Traditionally the bride's family's event, with the groom's family arriving in procession carrying trays of henna, sweets and candles; now often a joint function at a hall with both families, dances from each side (rehearsed for weeks), the dhol, dinner, and henna for the bride and her guests. The night before the baraat, or two nights before.

Who: everyone, if joint; ladies, if at home. Dress: yellows, greens and oranges, gharara and lehenga on the ladies, kurta on the men. It starts late and runs late; dinner is at nine or ten. Wording is in mehndi invitation wording.

Baraat

The wedding day. The bride's family hosts, at a banqueting hall. The groom arrives in procession (the baraat) with his family, in a decorated car, with a dhol, and is received at the door with rose petals and the milni-style greeting of the families. Then:

• Nikah, if it has not been done earlier. The imam, the two witnesses, the ijab-o-qubool (offer and acceptance), the mehr, the signing. Ten to twenty minutes, sometimes in a separate room, followed by the dua and the sharing of dates or sweets. Our guide to the nikah order of events covers it in detail.
• The bride's entrance, under a dupatta held by her sisters and cousins, to the stage.
• The couple on the stage, photographs with every family group in turn, the doodh pilai (the bride's sisters bring the groom milk and negotiate a price) and the joota chupai (they steal his shoe and ransom it).
• Dinner. Served at nine or ten, often with ladies' and gents' seating.
• Rukhsati. The bride leaves with the groom's family. The Qur'an is held over her head as she goes to the car; tears from everyone on her side.

Who: everyone on the bride's family's list, plus the baraat party. Dress: formal traditional attire, the most formal of the week; guests avoid red, because the bride wears it. The whole evening is five hours or more.

Walima

The groom's family's reception, the day after the baraat or within a few days. In the Sunnah it is the meal the groom gives after the marriage; in practice it is the second big night, with the couple on the stage (the bride often in a pastel or a colour other than red), dinner, photographs and speeches. Who: the groom's family's list, often the largest of all. Dress: your finest; the bride's side often in lighter colours. Wording in walima invitation wording.

A typical British timetable

For guests, the five questions

• Am I invited to all of it? The card or the link says. Dholki and mayun are family; the mehndi is everyone if it is at a hall; the baraat and the walima are the two big ones.
• What do I wear? Bright for the mehndi, formal and not red for the baraat, your best for the walima. Shalwar kameez, gharara, lehenga and sherwani are all right at any of them, and so is a suit.
• When do I eat? Late. Dinner at the baraat and the walima is usually nine or ten. Eat something first.
• What do I bring? An envelope of cash (salami) given to the couple on the stage, or a gift sent to the house. "No boxed gifts" means cash or nothing.
• Is there alcohol? No. Pakistani weddings are dry, and so are the halls.

For the couple, the one list

Five functions and two hosting families means two guest lists that overlap, and a caterer per night who wants a number. The way to run it is one list, each household tagged with the functions they are invited to, a personalised link per household that says so at the top, and a reply form that asks "Which functions will you be joining?". The Pakistani wedding invitation page comes with all five functions as cards and the question ready to add; inviting guests to several functions online walks through the tags.